Friday, November 10, 2006

Pay attention

Thunderstorms move in tonight, odd for November. The unsettled atmosphere plays havoc with the TV. On one of the few channels that comes in, a preacher is saying, “When you get down to nothing, you’re in a place where God can do anything. Throw your hands in the air and give thanks for nothing.”

His text is “Fill the earthen vessels”, a reference to the first miracle, the marriage feast at Cana, where Jesus turns water to wine. I have started praying the rosary each day. It is amazing how much it connects to.

I turn off the TV and lie down. “This American Life” comes on the radio. Ira is talking about people who demand attention, “She hits me,” he says of his wife, “She actually says ‘Pay attention to me.’ ” At this moment radio cuts out. Thunder rolls, like the voice of God.

I try to pay attention. My arm and leg are shaking uncontrollably, which is distracting. I breathe, and concentrate on relaxing. I try to offer thanks: I am not cold, though it is a cold night. I am not hungry. I am not lonely or sad. One of the cats is resting on my arm, and my dog has stretched out against my leg. They don’t seem to notice the shaking.

I breath in, out. My mind wanders and I bring it back. I pay attention, waiting to discover the gift God will give me. I finally see that attention IS the gift. It is the gift of my life, to be cherished, to be savored, in each imperfect moment.

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